Bells

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

Their old familiar carols play,

And wild and sweet the words repeat

Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:

"There is no peace on earth," I said,

"For hate is strong and mocks the song

Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:

"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;

The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,

With peace on earth, good will to men."

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Playing Santa

Santa took to the road a few days back.  Northern Virginia donors and volunteers affiliated with the Our Military Kids’ Wounded Warrior Program provided gifts to nearly 100 military children across the country. Bob Nelson, a real estate agent in Great Falls and Gloria Schaefer, a volunteer, coordinated the effort. Schaefer took responsibility for two brothers, 13 and 10, brothers, whose father was injured serving in Iraq with the National Guard. 

Both of the children had asked for bikes. Due to their father's injury, the bikes had to arrive fully assembled, which made shipping difficult, so Schaefer and her husband drove from McLean, Virginia to Montgomery, Ala. to deliver two fully assembled bicycles in person. 

“After speaking with the family, I knew this was the only option,” said Schaefer. “These kids, along with all the other children of Wounded Warriors, deserve to have Santa visit their homes.” 

Xanthe's World: Snowballing

Xanthe's World: Snowballing: "American Airlines offered something very nice to children who have lost a parent while on active duty since September 11, 2001. The airline..."

Snowballing

American Airlines offered something very nice to children who have lost a parent while on active duty since September 11, 2001. The airline flew 1300 families to Dallas for an all-expenses-paid weekend getaway two weeks ago. They went to Six Flags and attended special concerts and other activities

Inaugurated in 2006, The Snowball Express is designed to give these children and their surviving parent  a few days of fun and a change to meet others like themselves. Here’s a video of the wonderful ceremonies held at the Tulsa airport to send six families off.

"I really think it's nice of them, whoever is doing this," said ten-year-old Koby Mackey, from Tulsa, whose father died in 2008. "It really means a lot to me knowing that somebody cares," his thirteen-year-old brother Ryan adds.

"I think it's real great that people have volunteered their time for us," JR Graham said.  His father was killed by a suicide bomber.

The surviving parents also say that spending time with other families helps them  "It's nice to have somebody to bounce some ideas off of or, 'My kid's going through this. Have you dealt with it yet?' one of the mothers said.

In the end, however much events like this help, "it doesn't change the fact that he's gone," JR Graham said.  

Managing at Home

In some respects being a military spouse with a deployed partner is no different from being a single parent.  When a child is ill or hospitalized, or when emergencies arise, you have to handle it yourself, call in favors from friends and family, and suffer the consequences of missing work or, in some cases, school.  In others, of course, it is.  There’s a relationship you are trying to keep intact and strong, and there is the fear of knowing that someone you love and are committed to is in harm’s way.

Likewise, as difficult as it is on your end, there’s a partner too far away to help, who wants nothing more than to be there with you. 

The stress on deployed military personnel and their family is uniquely difficult. Even though most spouses understand what they are getting into when they marry someone in the military, it can still be way more difficult that they imagined.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life,” says Kate, 23, whose husband, Sean, is a staff sergeant in the Air Force.  “I got married at 19; I didn’t by any means think this would be easy. But I didn’t think my son would sit in the car and cry for his daddy and there was nothing I could do about it.”

An article, “The Life and Challenges of One Deployed Beaufort Military Family,” tells Kate and Sean’s story.  She’s the mother of two toddlers, and also a full-time college student. What makes it more difficult, she says, is the general public misunderstanding her family’s unique situation. “People tell me all the time, ‘Well you knew what you were getting into,’” Kate says. “The sheer lack of support from the general public makes me so mad.”

For example,when she missed class during her son’s recent illness, one of her professors questioned her ability to continue in the class. “I told him ‘Look, I’m a single parent right now, my GPA is a 3.94, and my husband’s in a war zone. My child will come first, but I will ace all your exams,” she says.

Kevin and Stacy are another Beaufort-based Marine couple, with a toddler daughter, Meghan. Kevin  recently returned from his third deployment. They kept in touch once or twice a week, depending on the weather over there. “If there’s a sandstorm it won’t happen for at least a week.”  They also text messages and call each other on the cell phones, incurring huge, but in their minds, worthwhile bills.

In addition, families use other objects to comfort children missing their parents. “We made a pillowcase for Collin that has pictures of him and his dad and it says ‘Sweet dreams, Daddy loves you,’ so Daddy goes to bed with him each night,” Kate says. Collin also has a doll from HugaHero.com with a photo of his father and an internal voice recorder where Sean recorded messages for his son. Before Kevin deployed in January, he videotaped himself reading books for Meghan, now 3, and her little brother, Connor, 1.

Missing milestones is also difficult. “Kevin missed Connor’s first birthday and Meghan’s first birthday, but he was able to do the webcam. So he saw the cake, balloons, all that stuff,” Stacy says. “It’s not quite the same, but it’s better than not having him at all.”

Love From a Distance

The National Fatherhood Initiative recently posted a good article outlining a number of ideas for ways a deployed parent can stay close to his or her children. These are easily adaptable for anyone separated from beloved children. 

Put a “Message in a Bottle”
Before leaving, write as many short messages to your child as you can and put them in a special container. The child can pull out one message a day.  You could either write the number you know you need, or send an envelope full of replenishing messages.  I used to leave a note in my children’s lunch bags every school morning when they were still in primary grades.  They loved it. This one would be easily adaptable for grandparents or others, and could be set up like an advent calendar, with messages linked to how many days remaining until you are reunited.

Draw Pictures for Your Children

When I was young, everything my parents drew made me happy.  It was better than I could do but unskilled enough that I could laugh at how funny it looked, and how they weren’t the most perfect, talented, and smart people in all of creation after all. So go for it!  Start with a simple picture of you and your child. Maybe go on from there to draw a few more of you going about the things you will be doing while you are away. 

The other suggestions are behind the scenes things that will benefit your children even if they won’t really know you have done them.  First is getting your house in order--taking care of any financial issues, squaring away paperwork and legal documents, and making sure the parent staying behind knows how to manage everything. 

Another suggestion is to spend a little time studying child development, perhaps even taking a book with you.  That way you will have a better sense of what to expect on your return, and you will also be able to ask more focused questions and understand better what the parent remaining behind is telling you about what the children are up to.

There are many ways to love in absentia.  The most important, of course, is just to do it.  But there are ways to make it show when you aren’t there, and these are just a few of them. 

Lilly Endowment Steps Up

Lilly Endowment Inc. has given $6.3 million to the Military Family Research Institute at Purdue. "Millions of military families in our country are recovering from, or still experiencing, challenges related to combat deployment," says the institute's director, Shelley MacDermid Wadsworth.

"Our state and our nation are in a critical period that will determine whether recent veterans will suffer the same troubling levels of poverty, homelessness and health problems experienced by their predecessors. If we fail to do a good job of serving those who have served our country, we all will pay the price."

The Military Family Research Institute's (MFRI) efforts include Passport Toward Success, helping military children and families reconnect after deployment. Also, mini-grants of up to $2,500 are provided to Family Readiness and Community Mobilization groups developing community activities to help military families. Operation Purple Camp, a free camp for military children that I have written about in the past, also runs a campsite at Purdue. Its funding was jeopardized by the loss of its main donor last year. The photo at right is of campers at one of its many sites. Operation Diploma, supports college and university programs that help veterans succeed on campus.

"MFRI's goal is to make Indiana a better place for military families and to generate tools and insights here that can benefit military families everywhere," said Wadsworth, who is a professor of child development and family studies at Purdue.

Lilly Endowment Inc. is an Indianapolis-based, philanthropic foundation. The Military Family Research Institute, part of the Center for Families in Purdue's College of Health and Human Sciences, is the leading academic institution in the country specializing in research about military families.

For more information, click here.

Better Than Socks or a Tie

I'm going "off-message" today to pass along information about some little-known charities, none focusing on military children, that are the subject of an excellent column by Nicholas Kristol in today's NY Times. Here are some ways to do something more meaningful than paw through merchandise at crowded stores this holiday season.  

Courtesy Mr. Kristol, here are his suggestions:

"Arzu (ArzuStudioHope.org) employs women in Afghanistan to make carpets for export. The women get decent wages, but their families must commit to sending children to school and to allowing women to attend literacy and health classes and receive medical help in childbirth. Rugs start at $250 and bracelets at $10, or a $20 donation pays for a water filter for a worker’s family.

"First Book (firstbook.org) addresses a basic problem facing poor kids in America: They don’t have books. One study found that in low-income neighborhoods, there is only one age-appropriate book for every 300 children. So First Book supports antipoverty organizations with children’s books — and above all, gets kids reading. A $100 gift will supply 50 books for a mentor to tutor a child in reading for a year. And $20 will get 10 books in the hands of kids to help discover the joys of reading.

"Fonkoze (fonkoze.org) is a terrific poverty-fighting organization if Haiti is on your mind, nearly a year after the earthquake. A $20 gift will send a rural Haitian child to elementary school for a year, while $50 will buy a family a pregnant goat. Or $100 supports a family for 13 weeks while it starts a business.

"Another terrific Haiti-focused organization is Partners in Health, (pih.org), founded by Dr. Paul Farmer, the Harvard Medical School professor. A $100 donation pays for enough therapeutic food (a bit like peanut butter) to treat a severely malnourished child for one month. Or $50 provides seeds, agricultural implements and training for a family to grow more food for itself.

"Panzi Hospital (panzifoundation.org) treats victims of sexual violence in eastern Congo, rape capital of the world. It’s run by Dr. Denis Mukwege, who should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. A $10 donation pays for transport to the hospital for a rape survivor; $100 pays for counseling and literacy and skill training for a survivor for a month.

"Camfed (camfed.org), short for the Campaign for Female Education, sends girls to school in Africa and provides a broad support system for them. A $300 donation pays for a girl to attend middle school for a year in rural Zambia, and $25 sends a girl to elementary school.

"The Nurse-Family Partnership program (nursefamilypartnership.org) is a stellar organization in the United States that works with first-time mothers to try to break the cycle of poverty. It sends nurses to at-risk women who are pregnant for the first time, continuing the visits until the child turns 2. The result seems to be less alcohol and drug abuse during pregnancy, and better child-rearing afterward, so that the children are less likely to tangle with the law even years later. A $150 gift provides periodic coaching and support for a young nurse by a senior nurse for a month.

"Edna Hospital (ednahospital.org) is a dazzling maternity hospital in Somaliland, an area with one of the highest maternal mortality rates in the world. Edna Adan Ismail, a Somali nurse- midwife who rose in the ranks of the World Health Organization and also served as Somaliland’s foreign minister, founded the hospital with her life’s savings and supports it with her United Nations pension. A $50 gift pays for a woman to get four prenatal visits, a hospital delivery, and one postnatal visit. Or $150 pays for a lifesaving C-section for a woman in obstructed labor.

"The Somaly Mam Foundation fights sex slavery in Cambodia and around the world (somaly.org). It is run by Somaly Mam, who was sold into Cambodian brothels as a young girl before escaping years later. For $50, you can buy a lovely silk scarf made by a trafficking survivor; $25 buys a necklace made by a survivor."

I'm a writer, so Firstbook.org is the one that caught my eye, plus it is closer to home, where needs are so great.  Which one grabbed you?  Please donate today.